Sara's past
by Anushka
Summary: Sara's past is revealed, what is her reaction. Story doesn't get into her story though. Pairing NS Chapter 3 added.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the characters. Don't want to own them either, just want Jorja and George to play Sara and Nick. I also don't own the sentence: "It's the state I'm in I can't be good to anyone else like this". I changed the sentence a bit, but it still is owned by Sarah Mclachlan and it is part of the song "To have and to hold".

**A/N:** Thanks for the reviews for "The evidence never lies". They encourage me to write more. I started writing this story when I heard we will find out something out of Sara's past in season 5. I have some ideas what it could be, but I'm actually hoping it is something totally different than the obvious, so I didn't get into what it is in my story. I'm just describing her feelings when it comes out and of course I had to include Nick as well:-) Oh and you may think her words about her co-workers are really harsh, but don't forget she is really upset and when you are upset you say things you don't mean.

**Pairing**: N/S

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**Sara's past**

She looked at them in disbelief. They were watching her intently, looking quite shocked. Expecting some kind of explanation. An explanation she couldn't give them and wasn't going to give them. She slowly got up, contemplating what the fastest way to the door of the break room was when Grissom put his hand on her arm. She pulled her arm back quickly. He looked hurt. It was always about him, even at this moment when her whole life was displayed in front of them, he wanted to be the center of attention and without realizing it she played along. It was a game they had been playing a long time and it had become her second nature.

"Don't."

"Sara, I think we need to talk. Let's go to my office."

"Who do you think you are? What gives you the right to get into my personal life? I thought it was the last thing you wanted to do, get personal with me."

She figured any way to the door was faster than just standing there talking to them. She made a beeline to the door, leaving them behind in a state of shock. She wanted to be alone. Alone she was at her best until she came to Vegas. She had let them enter her life some more than others but still. And now they knew and she didn't want them to know. She didn't want their pity. She just wanted to be Sara. Sara with her rules and regulations, no explanations needed. She was who she was. No your past makes you who you are today or you wouldn't be who you are today when it hadn't happened. God, she hated when people said that.

Nick walked into the break room. Totally unaware what had transpired there just a couple of minutes before.

"What's with the grave faces? Did someone die?" He said smiling at them, but when no one returned his smile he started to get worried.

"Where is Sara?" he asked tentatively.

Grissom was surprised by the emotions displayed on Nick's face. He had to wonder how close Nick and Sara really were. He had heard Warrick joking that Sara and Nick were joined at the hip, but he never thought anything of it. Until now. He immediately felt guilty about the feelings he was having. Now was not the time to have them.

"She is okay Nick. I think you better sit down and hear us out." Catherine softly said pulling a chair in front of her where Nick could sit down.

After Catherine had finished her story Nick got up rushing out of the break room. He didn't know what to do and what to feel. He was angry with her knowing it was totally uncalled for. They had shared so much and she never cared to tell him this. But on the other hand he just wanted to go to her and hold her tightly. Telling her he would make things better. That she didn't have to go through this alone. He was confused. Confused about his own feelings. He had to get some air.

Walking towards the parking lot he saw her sitting on the pavement. When she saw him coming near her. She got up. She knew he would have heard all about it from the others and she couldn't face him, especially him. He was the one who could read her soul and she had done such a good job hiding it and now he knew. She wasn't sure how he would be feeling. She betrayed their friendship and that hurt her even more than the knowledge that her secret was public knowledge now. He would want to have an explanation. An explanation she couldn't give him.

"Don't walk away from me," she heard him say. She turned around to face him, but she wasn't able to read his face.

"I can't do this right now. I can't face them and.........."

"You can't face me?" He grabbed her arm, so she couldn't walk away.

"You don't understand. I don't want their pity." she said getting desperate. She wanted to get away so badly.

"They are worried about you, Sar. It explains so much..."

This ticked her off.

"It doesn't explain a thing. Worried, a little hypocritical, isn't it? Catherine never liked me. She never took the time to get to know me and now all of sudden she thinks she knows me, because of this. She told Grissom he should be harder on me, did you know that? And there is Warrick. He is my friend alright, but he thinks I will stab him in the back when I get the opportunity. Don't get me started on Grissom. Years have gone by and he has only pushed me away further. Everyone seems to think we have this special connection. How wrong are they. I haven't had a civil conversation with him for months now."

Nick looked at her a little taken aback from the harsh words coming out of her mouth. He knew she was upset, but she wasn't being fair.

"What about me, Sar?" He asked her staring at her intently. "Am I a hypocrite as well?"

"Oh God Nick, please don't do this. I'm warning you, you do not want to go there now."

He knew she was serious, but letting her go now probably meant he would never get another chance to get things in the open.

"Why not, Sara? Now is a better time than ever."

She tried to struggle out of his grasp, not knowing how to respond to his inquisition, but he tightened his grip.

"You are hurting me." The look in her eyes shocked him, she actually looked scared of him. He immediately loosened his grip, starting to rub her arms up and down. He realized he was giving her the opportunity to get away, but to his surprise she stayed where she was.

"It shouldn't have mattered. What happened shouldn't matter. Their opinion of me and their behavior towards me shouldn't change because they know what happened to me. If they didn't like me before why should they adjust their opinion?"

"Where does that leave us?" he responded. "I thought our relationship was based on trust." He knew he was walking on thin ice trying to touch the subject of their relationship, but he really wanted to know from her what was going on between them.

She was starting to get exasperated all over again. "Trust, Nick? Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"

He hadn't expected her answer and just looked at her hurt etched on his face.

"What's wrong Nick? You expect me to trust you, to tell you what happened and at the same time you are holding back yourself."

She knew she had pushed him too far, but she didn't care. She had warned him, but any feeling of satisfaction over the fact she made him feel the way she was feeling immediately left her body when he tightened his grip again. His jaw tightened and tears were visible in his eyes. Before she knew it he was telling her his story, every horrific detail included.

When he finished he stared at her. The loving look he used to have when he looked at her had made place for a cold look. She just stood there nailed to the ground. Not knowing what to do. She felt sick. She wanted to run, but she couldn't instead she put her arms around his neck, pulling his face towards her. She kissed his face over and over again until he took charge and kissed her full on the lips.

When they broke apart she was relieved to see the cold look in his eyes had disappeared.

"Are you sure about this?"

"You?"

"I have always loved you, with or without your past."

"We have to slow the pace, we need to heal, the both of us. I don't want us to end up hating each other, because we rushed things. It's not that I don't love you but it's the state I'm in I can't be good to you like this. "

He cradled her face in his hands. "I have all the time in the world."

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**A/N**: Please R&R:-) Just writing as much as I can now I still have the time. 


	2. When all's not right

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the characters. They belong to their creators.

**A/N**: I hadn't planned to write a second chapter, but I felt like the story wasn't really finished. I'm not sure it is now, but with this story I just wanted to show that sometimes things just not work out just fine. The part about the autopsy is autobiographical. I didn't put in my contacts when I attended my first autopsy. Currently I'm registered as a student assistant during the gross anatomy sessions, so everything turned out just fine. A first autopsy can be a bit overwhelming though. BTW I repeated the conversation between Sara and Nick (chapter 1). I hope it is clearer who said what now.

**Pairing**: N/S

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**Sara's past**

"Are you sure about this?" Nick asked Sara not letting go of her.

"You?"

"I have always loved you, with or without your past." Nick answered knowing there was nothing he was more sure of in his entire life.

"We have to slow the pace, we need to heal, the both of us. I don't want us to end up hating each other, because we rushed things. It's not that I don't love you but it's the state I'm in I can't be good to you like this. "

He cradled her face in his hands. "I have all the time in the world."

She felt so confident yesterday after her conversation with Nick. She was sure everything was going to be alright, but now she wasn't so sure anymore. It was all so confusing. Things were moving too fast for her to comprehend what was happening. One moment it was about her life story being revealed and the next it was about starting a life with Nick. He said he was willing to wait, but was he really? And most of all did she want him to wait? She wasn't sure. She hated to be like this, insecure, but that was how she was feeling and she couldn't change it. She needed to work. Work always made her feel better, but at work she would be surrounded by people who needed an explanation. Who expected something from her. It was her only option though. If she would stay at home she would go crazy.

She entered the lab and walked towards the locker room when she saw Greg dancing in his lab. She smiled. Some things never did change.

"Hey Sara, come over for a sec." She saw Greg motioning her to come over.

"Hey Greg, what's up," she asked noticing his normally happy face was looking a bit nervous.

"I will attend my first autopsy today and I was wondering if you heard if the others have planned something," Greg nervously responded.

Sara knew that new CSIs attending their first autopsies were put through some kind of initiation routine, but she hadn't heard either Warrick or Nick talk about it. She was sure Nick had other things on his mind and Warrick wouldn't plan something without his best friend.

"Not that I've heard of," she said smiling at him reassuringly. "Don't worry about it too much Greggo. The first time I attended an autopsy was at University and I didn't put in my contacts in case the sight of the corpse would be too much for me. I did bring along my glasses and in the end I never took them off. It was really silly, but I just needed to make sure I wasn't able to see something I couldn't deal with."

Greg started to show some color on his cheeks again. After four years he knew she wasn't going to return his feelings, but he was glad they turned out to be good friends. He had heard about her past and was aware she didn't want to talk about it, but he still felt he couldn't act like he didn't know.

"Sar, uhm, I just wanted to let you know I've heard and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know," he said shyly.

Sara was surprised by the sudden change of their conversation, but noticed his words came from his heart. She stepped up to him and hugged him.

"Thanks, Greg, that means a lot to me," she said before she turned around seeing Grissom standing in his office observing them. She saw him redirecting his stare to something on his desk. She sighed. He was someone she would have to deal with, but not right now.

When she entered the break room she saw Nick sitting on the coach. Normally he would have come looking for her, but he probably thought she needed some space to figure things out. He had been right, but she still missed his attention. He looked up from his case file and smiled at her. Did he know what he could do to her? That smile of his made her want to forget all the doubts that had filled her mind this morning, but she couldn't. Studying him she wondered why everything in her life had to be so complicated. She had initiated the change in their relationship and he had given her the control over the direction their relationship would take from now on. She didn't realize however how thin the line between friendship and love was. She needed his friendship now more than ever, but she was afraid to be near him. Not afraid of him, but afraid of herself. She wasn't sure she could control herself being near him. The entrance of the rest of the team broke her reverie.

"Nick, Warrick robbery gone bad at the mall. Catherine , Sara, you two are with me DB at an ice rink." Grissom said while he observed the exchange of looks between Nick and Sara. He had noticed how protective Nick was of Sara and it wouldn't be easy to talk to Sara alone, which was the reason why he had assigned them to different cases.

Nick was well aware what the motivations of his boss were and volunteered to go back to the lab early to give Bobby some of the bullets they retrieved, so he could figure out if they matched the gun they found in a trash can outside the mall. He wanted to be at the lab if Sara needed him. He was worried about her. She didn't need Grissom pushing her into a conversation she wasn't ready to have and he didn't need Grissom messing with her head again. The foundations of their relationship were still so weak. One blow would destroy them and it would destroy him. She had given him his word, but he knew that she was confused about everything. That was why he had given her control, which was something he regretted right now. After he dropped off the bullets with Bobby he went looking for Sara.

Sara had returned to the lab with some of the DNA samples they retrieved from the crime scene. Greg hadn't been working in the DNA lab full time today because of the autopsy he was attending, so she had to wait around for her DNA samples to be processed. Her beeper going off startled both her and Greg.

"It's Grissom," she told him. "I'm going to see what he wants. I will be right back, so don't stop working on my samples."

She didn't have the time to talk to Nick this morning. Grissom assigning them to different cases didn't help either. She decided she had to find him after she had spoken to Grissom about their case. At least she hoped he had paged her about their case.

She hesitated entering Grissom's office. Standing in the doorway gave her the feeling she could flee whenever she wanted to. Grissom noticed her presence and motioned her to come over and sit in the chair located opposite from him. She cautiously entered his office, but decided not to sit down. If she did, she would be stuck.

"Sara," Grissom started saying hesitantly. Not knowing how to continue the conversation he had practiced so many times. "I, uh, I'm not sure where to start."

Sara looked down at her hands realizing this conversation wasn't going to be about their case. She wanted to get out, but most of all she wanted Nick to be there.

"We used to be such good friends, but somewhere down the line we lost that. I know it's all my fault. I was a coward and I'm so sorry."

His words didn't upset her, but what he said next did.

"I love you, Sara. I always did. From the first time I met you, I have always loved you."

She had wanted to hear those words for so long and now they were out in the open it was like she didn't care anymore.

She looked up at him, which he apparently took as a sign it was okay to continue. He got up and walked over to her.

"I know now is not the best time, but I want you to know I will be waiting for you."

She felt like she was frozen, not being able to move when he pulled her into his arms. His arms pulling her closer made her realize she didn't want this. She pushed him away freeing herself from his embracement.

"No!" she yelled. "No, don't say that and don't touch me."

Shock registered on his face.

Nick heard Sara yell from what seemed like Grissom's office. He started to run towards the office when Catherine grabbed his arm.

"Let them sort it out," she said not letting go of his arm. "It is time they get their feelings out in the open."

"No!" he said jerking his arm away from Catherine. "She is mine."

Catherine looked at him like he had gone crazy. "She is yours?" she repeated his words when everything suddenly dawned on her. The touches, the looks, the whispers the two younger CSIs had exchanged had been something more than just friendship. She then realized that her friend was trying to claim something that hadn't been his for a long time.

Nick had continued his way over to Grissom's office. Arriving there he found Sara backed up against the wall trying to get as much space between her and Grissom as possible. He entered the office and claimed his place next to her.

"Nick, now is not the time. Can you please leave us?" Grissom asked while Sara grabbed Nick's hand. A movement which didn't go unnoticed by Grissom and Catherine who was now standing in the doorway.

Nick started stroking the back of her hand with his thumb and felt her body relax next to him. Neither of them answered Grissom's plea.

Catherine saw a mixture of jealousy and anger flash through Grissom's eyes.

"So, this is how things are then?!" Grissom said looking at the both of them.

"Nick, please, get me out of here." Sara whispered.

He looked at her questioningly wondering if they should leave things like that.

"This is how things are," she said loud enough for everyone in the room to hear.

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**A/N**: Please R&R, your comments are much appreciated. 


	3. Pushing it or losing it

**Disclaimer**: We have established this before, but here we go again: I do not own any of the characters. They belong to their creators.

**A/N**: Another chapter, because I really wanted to write something before starting Uni again and because I just watched the promo for _ "Butterflied" _ and it ticked me off again. BTW I'm not sure where I'm going with this story and if it is going anywhere.

**Pairing:** N/S

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**Pushing it or losing it**

"Sara", he said while he turned her towards himself. She cocked her head slightly waiting for him to continue. "Do you think this is the best way to go about it?" He said hesitantly anticipating her reaction.

"I'm not sure what you are getting at?" She said sighing knowing he wouldn't let it go. She wasn't up for what she felt was coming, another exploration of her feelings.

"Look Nick, I'm here with you, aren't I? That's all they need to know." She said hoping he would drop it.

To Nick this just didn't feel right. She was suspiciously calm about the earlier events. _ He_ needed to know more and he wasn't going to let it all slide.

"But I need to know, Sara. I need to know how his words effected you. What they mean to you."

Sara shifted her gaze away from his eyes before answering him. "They meant nothing, nothing at all."

"Do you seriously expect me to believe that?" Nick responded realizing they weren't getting anywhere. "Sara, if we want this to work, you need to talk to me. We're in this together." Nick softly continued trying to catch her gaze again, hoping he was getting through to her.

Sara knew he was right. He deserved an explanation, but how could she explain what had been going on between Grissom and herself if she didn't know it herself. She had been confused for so long. Until she'd decided it had been enough. Making the decision had been easy, but the follow up had been hard. Every once in a while she would fall back into her old habits. Wondering what was going on, making herself believe he actually cared. She was driving herself crazy with thoughts she had promised herself to banish from her mind. Slowly but surely she started to distance herself from Grissom, arming herself against his mind games. The indifference she felt when he told her he loved her made her realize she finally succeeded in accomplishing her goal, namely moving on.

Hesitantly she started to explain: "He led me on for so long and it took me a long time to figure out it was leading nowhere. He messed with my head and I let him. I wouldn't be surprised if his confession was based on his realization I've really done what I have threatened to do for so long. Move on. I couldn't do it anymore, Nick. I just couldn't do it anymore. I used to think I was imagining things. His actions today confirmed I wasn't."

"Knowing what you do today, do you regret your decision?" Nick asked the question tentatively bracing himself against the answer.

"Do you think I would be here with _ you_ if I did?" She asked countering his question.

A small smile appearing on his face answered her question. He knew she wouldn't do something like that to him. It would be cheating in one of the worst ways and she had promised herself she would never do that to someone. Her willingness to start a relationship with Nick had been based on the knowledge she really loved him, loved him deeply. Above all she trusted him, which was something entirely new to her.

"I trust you and I never trusted him." She spoke softly letting him pull her close to him. Then she whispered even softer: And I love you, Nicky. I only love you."

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**A/N**: Please R&R, I would love to know what you think. 


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